Like many others, I also have a seemingly steadily growing pile of shame games, which I will sometimes play, quite determined. The problem with most is just that I do not have enough time for you.
The title that has been at the top of this list for over ten years, this is different. I just can not overcome myself to finally start the almost two hours game. The speech is from the PS3 classic Journey and the reason is simple: I’m scared. Fear to fail before a foreign person.
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Nobody may notice how hard it is
To explain where this irrational fear of Journey comes from, but I have to take out first. I was 28 when I got my ADHD diagnosis. At first, I was relieved, many things finally showed. I never understood why things seemingly harder for me.
This is ADHS : ADHS stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Typical symptoms include disturbed concentration, hyperactivity and impulsivity. The various symptoms can be highly pronounced differently, but lead to suffering from those affected and integrate them in several areas of life. More information about ADHD in child and adulthood is here.
I did not understand that people “I do not want to” have heard when I said “I can not”. I was simply physically not to move to the seemingly simplest things: Be sure to hang laundry, learn for the school, even tackle hobbies like the console and gamble.
Often enough, I heard that I was lazy or not enough attempts when I could not concentrate. In addition, many of my challenges were as a gifted child for others invisible, because at school I always came through.
Today I know that my brain has a dopamine deficit that greatly limits my ability to carry out little rewarding tasks. I’ve developed strategies over the years to balance and hide my deficits in the best possible way: put Deadlines to build myself printing or dealing with my hands in conversations to get better listen.
But that means that I was afraid of being afraid to be baked – that someone realizes how hard to fall me the seemingly simplest things or that I am in conversation so it is busy to look closely that in my head no capacity is left remains to actually listen. That I was sentenced and rejected for my failure. Because the strong fear of rejection belongs to ADHS.
In short, I have failed fears and do not stop before playing. Because where multiplayer titles give me some anonymity in the crowd, I do not have this luxury in the coop for two. Journey to play with a strange person is therefore a horror performance for me.
Eleen is mostly playing singleplayer games, not just because they like stories, but also because they can try there in peace without being observed. In multiplayer title, she only jumps if she previously practiced solo and learn the mechanics. Only when she feels safe enough, she also likes to play with other people.
If I just make a mistake, I will never forget that
When Journey appeared, I was crazy to play it with friends. The beautiful Artstyle and Soundtrack promised me a game that would be exactly right for me. But then quickly came the damper: my * E coop partner * In Journey is randomly assigned to me. No option to play with the security of a person I know well, no friends I know that they do not condemn my quirks. The fear of failure came back immediately.
Of course, she is completely irrational. Journey is not a particularly challenging game, you can not do much wrong. But the longer the game was outside, the more I got into the fear. After all, all know the game now, if I do now as a newbie a mistake or the control does not understand, the more embarrassing would be. And so the game has been fooling for years on the hard drive of my PlayStation, while I imagine stupid mistakes that would pursue me to the end of my days.
Objectively, objectively, nothing can happen terrible, I know that, in the worst case, my * E teampaper * can go in easy. But unlike large multiplayer titles, such as Overwatch, where the opinions of other players are largely cold, the breeze of Journey is more personal and already by the game design emotional. And that gives me the feeling to be vulnerable.
The first step
Of course, I know that these fears are disproportionate that I’m likely to have a nice experience with Journey, if I games it someday. Even when writing this text runs the soundtrack, which I have heard hundreds up and down. And yes, I also know that I could play Journey offline, but there is my annoying pride to speak, who wants me to experience the game “right”.
Journey is a bigger challenge for me than any Elden Ring Boss. Not, because it is mechanically demanding, but because I have to overcome a much bigger hurdle: I have to overcome my failure fear, make myself vulnerable to a strange person… and hope for the best.
After all, the first step is already d1. If I can tell thousands of strange people on Mental from my fears, I can finally go the next step and put me. Sometime. Until then, I still prepare myself with the soundtrack.
There are more articles from our mental health theme week here :
more on the subject
Themed Week Mental Health: What awaits you & all articles in the overview
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